I'm so thankful to have this semester over! Even more thankful that I've
concurred one of my biggest fears--MATH! For me, math has always been so abstract to grasp, but it is the only thing standing in my way of obtaining the degree that I want so badly. I knew that I had to face it head-on. I would get knots in my stomach just thinking about it, seriously. I would jump out of an airplane a hundred times before I would want to take a math class! Most people have a list of all these fears like speaking in front of large crowds, skydiving, spiders,
Chucky etc. My only fears are Math and snakes! So to take this on caused me more anxiety than I would ever admit to anyone, but I went forward praying every step of the way. I would have to motivate myself to study for this ugly subject. if I didn't get an application of a concept, then I would study even harder. I got to know myself and my own willpower on a deeper level over the course of this semester. I had to learn to let things I desperately wanted to do go by the way side. I wanted to finish this, and prove to myself I could do it. I had found excuses for years as to why I didn't need to take the class after having signed up for it. I counted the other day, and I had dropped this very class 4 times previously WOW! What a nutcase, right?? I don't think anyone can understand my
legitimate fear. I wasn't making it up at all.
I sucked it up, was usually early and attended EVERY class, sat at the front of the class (in a class I hated). I was even less excited that we had about 7 tests over the next 16 weeks. Not just little tests, BIG, HUGE 50 question tests.. My nerves were fried, but I kept a positive attitude about it, and tried to encourage myself. I studied my guts out, and some tests it didn't matter how hard I had studied, my hard work went un-rewarded. I remember going to the lake after getting my results with tears in my eyes asking heavenly father "why?". I had worked so hard and I couldn't understand why I wasn't being rewarded for all my efforts I had put forth. Couldn't he see I was trying? In Ether12:27 it says "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." That verse kept repeating over and over again in my mind.. I kept thinking okay, Lord how much more humbled do you need me to be? I have faith, that's the only reason I'm taking this class. I know I couldn't do it on my own. I've asked for you help, now where are you when I need you? (being a big brat). After thinking those thoughts I felt so guilty. How could I assume he had left me? He hadn't left me, he knew I had faith in him, and he just wanted me to know and understand that it wasn't my power that could make everything work out, that I had to put my total trust in him and his matchless power. I then had the courage to not give up, that he truly was with me, and would help me finish strong. I ended up having a successful grade after all my stress.
Moral of the story is this.. God gives us all weaknesses/fears/trials all of which to compel us to be humbled. All in hopes that we turn to him, walking forward in faith, trusting in his mercy and endless, yet matchless power. Whatever task is placed before us, we need to not fear, but exercise faith over fear, and when we do that we will be able to walk through those trials and tribulations that will be for our own growth and good.
